In less than two weeks 40,000 alarmed world leaders, scientists, journalists, and apprehensive observers gather in Paris to deal with the greatest crisis facing humankind, perhaps the most significant challenge since the dawn of civilization some ten millennia in our past.  The almost seven billion of us not attending this United Nations conference can only watch with concerned anticipation as these wise and courageous world leaders forge an international agreement to combat . . . climate change?

A conference attended by so many people is a big deal. And they want to combat . . . climate change, not relatively minor irritants such as ISIS, world poverty, and oppression. They want to stop the climate from changing. After all, if the climate stops changing, ISIS will go away and leave us alone, no more storms and severe weather, no floods, no droughts, the Arctic ice will thankfully persist saving the polar bears, and all our other catastrophes and calamities will magically disappear or at least diminish forever.

They promise a fascinating agreement. It will stop the oceans from rising, freeze the earth’s tectonic plates in position, and nudge our orbit into a perfect circle instead of its current problematic oblonginess.  The anticipated plan will offer much relief from the consequences of a terribly tilted axis causing our wonderful planet to wobble unrelentingly as it rotates causing ocean currents to act chaotically and without remorse. And then they will tackle the sun, our variable star, whose light and heat seems so unpredictable. Some summers are too hot and some winters are too cold, there is too much snow, not enough ice, and all the springs are below average.

Of course the real culprit is “carbon pollution” and it will be mercilessly eliminated, or at least contained. And we’re not talking about ordinary harmless soot. These dedicated public servants promise to halt the rising threat of carbon dioxide, a poison unfathomable as a danger to modern civilization. Something must be done about this horrific gas. It was only 50 years ago that we began to monitor its increasing concentration in our otherwise pristine atmosphere.   To our horror, we discovered the incredible harm we were doing by burning dung, wood, coal, oil, and gas all these years, not realizing that we were adding this ghastly pollution to our atmosphere. Not realizing that Miami Beach might face tragic erosion and eventual submersion if something isn’t done and soon. What a calamity!

Rest easy citizens of the world. These faithful public servants promise a world safe from these sins and impulses of man and nature. They will save us from ourselves. Only they possess the wisdom to combat . . . climate change.